Sunday, June 26, 2005

The One That Got Away

So the other night, friday night, I go to bed and I have a dream. I dream about one of my ex's. Now she wasn't just any ex. She was "The Ex"! The one that got away. We all have one don't we? Mine is the one I compare all other women I have been with or dated by. I'm not gonna mention her name in this entry simply because if she somehow manges to find this entry, I think she deserves to not be bugged by friends and shit. Plus, I don't wanna aggravate her husband and cause problems for her.

But yes. She was the one. I screwed up and I lost her. And here I am, years after losing her, still thinking about what might have been. Am I having a crisis? LOL

Anyways... the dream, what I can remember, went something like this...

We're at a house, no clue whose house, but it was like a party and her and I and a few others I couldn't really see. I assume they were mostly her friends from the feelings I had in this dream. I always seemed uneasy around her friends simply because I wanted approval from her friends. They were really great people. Anyhow, where there at the party, and i'm basically doing my impersonation of a wise man and just sitting and listening to the conversations. The jokes, and memories they're sharing with each other. Suddenly she gets up and starts taking some dishes and such into the kitchen. Seeing a chance, I getup excuse myself and asker if I can talk with her in the kitchen, while I grab some dishes myself. We walk through the the kitchen door and place the dishes in the sink and I try and start explaining what I wanna talk about, but I can't seem to get to the point. I know what I wanna ask, but I just can't seem to get the words out. All I can remember is looking at her and thinking, my God.. she hasn't changed. She's exactly the way I remember her the day I walked away from her and something I thought or think we had.

I think I finally got around to asking her. Did you still love me when I left? Did I just imagine you standing there watching me get in my car and drive away? Did you cry like I did? Did you feel so lonely the next day you could die? I don't know if I would even wanna ask her now. We've both moved on in our lives and I got over her (after 6 years), but now I seem to be drifting back to those times we had. I was young and stupid and full of some emotion I can't seem to name. I don't know. Maybe a cross of jealousy, love, lust and fear.

I do know that not only was she the one that got away.. but she made some major chances in my life. I had a lot of time to think and change. I think I changed for the better. Got rid of a lot of baggage and got myself in a good place. After those 6 years, and actually.. to this day, I have to say, only one woman came close to the one that got away. And sadly, that woman was out of reach for me. I can honestly say I fell in love with her, but I knew it wouldn't work so I just let it be and I'm glad she's still a good friend.

And the point of all this? Who knows. I just felt like sharing something like this. Will either of these women read this and figure out who they are? I hope so someday. Maybe I'll get the answers I would like to have. I don't need them, but it wouldn't be a bad thing to have them.


"The Reason" - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person,
there's many things I wish I didn't do.
But I continue learning,
I never meant to do those things to you.
And so I have to say before I go,
that I just want you to know...

I found a reason for me,
to change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you,
it's something I must live with everyday.
And all the pain I put you through,
I wish that I could take it all away,
and be the one who catches all your tears,
that's why I need you to hear...

I found a reason for me,
to change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
and the reason is you,
and the reason is you,
and the reason is you,
and the reason is you.

I'm not a perfect person,
I never meant to do those things to you.
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know...

I found a reason for me,
to change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
and the reason is you.

I found a reason to show,
a side of me you didn't know.
A reason for all that I do,
and the reason is you.


Maybe next time I'll tell ya about the high school crush :)
Till then... 'nuff said...

Added: You know.. after reading this and saying I got over her, maybe I still carry the torch? Have to wait and see I guess.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Muddle Muddle Muddle...

Lately I've been feeling like I've been going through the motions of having a life. I take care of my duaghter, I got to work, I clean the house.. everything a parent is supposed to do. But more and more I think about how I don't belong where I am. That I can do better then what I am doing now.

I feel recently, that i'm losing something and i'm not sure what. Or maybe I'm not getting what I want out of what I do. I feel like I can't get anything done. If I go through a day and feel like I haven't done something creative or constructive, I feel like I wasted an entire day. I could have gone out and done all my errands and household chores, and I still feel like I did nothing.

Ugh. What's it gonna take for me to feel good about all this shit?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Blogity Blog Blog Blog...

Ok.. I used to have a blong on my home page but since all it ever did was get spammed, I figured I would ditch it. Fast forward a year and here we are.. a new blog!

{insert Kermit the Frog "YEAH!" here}

So now, what to talk about? Hmmm.. well, most of I usually wanna talk about, like personal stuff, I really have a problem sharing. Why you ask? Well, I have always been a private kinda guy. Seems my life for some is fodder for the gossip. Maybe I need new friends? Hopefully MySpace will help a bit.

But hey.. encourage me. Harras me to post a blog and get a little more personal about myself you you want.. If I get harrased enough, I probably will. Chances are I'll gush about my daughter and how cute she is and how she does these cute things.. hehe...