Saturday, September 03, 2005

Blogging an aching heart...

Well, i figured since I haven't blogged in a while I should throw something in here. The reason I haven't been blogging here is because fate decided to play some cruel tricks on me and someone who has become very important to me.

See, I fell in love with someone, and I'm happy to say, she has told me she has fallen in love with me as well. But due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been unable to be with her or see her for sometime. And fate is to blame for this cruel trick.

I started a journal on my home machine that I would let her read since I sometimes can't say what I mean. It just seemed easier for me to write it down when I couldn't get the words out. Needless to say, the time we did get to spend together in the beginning was great. It was something as close to a perfect moment that you can get. Especially the last weekend we spent alone together. It's just hard to describe.

But right now, since I haven't been able to see her or talk to her on the phone, I've been in agony. I get to exchange a few text messages with her sometimes, but other then that, I'm pretty much cut off from her. I know she misses me too. A few days ago I made the mistake of thinking she was trying to avoid me. Fact was, she has been extremely busy with 14 hour work days and other problems she has taken on for a friend who is deployed to the middle east and that she misses as well. So after recieving my text message on her phone, she called me and sounding very rushed procedded to tell me why she hasn't been able to see me or talk to me and that she missed me too.

I felt about an inch high. I couldn't believe I freaking made her day worse. The last thing I want to do is make her unhappy or make her day worse. In a very short time this woman has gotten to me. I'm not sure I can accurtatly describe how I feel about her. I've tried in my journal, and failed. I have even put down my frustrations over and over again about not being able to see her, and it just made me madder that I sounded like a whiney little punk about it all. So I got pissed at myself.

But soon I'm going to be moving back to New York, and she's remaining in South Dakota because of her work and other obligations she has. Should those change, she has said she would move east then maybe we could pick up where things are leaving off. But I do have to admit, I'm very scared that I may lose touch with her and not see her again, even though we have told each other we would stay in touch. She has an attachment for my daughter Terry and Terry has one for her too. And if I had my way, I wouldn't let them be apart, but that isn't in my power at this moment.

She has asked me to post here though so she can read what I would normally put in my journal about her and my feelings and everything else happeing with me. So I guess this is the start of that.

Anyways, that is the main reason I haven't posted an entry. But hopefully that will change.


Blogger Susan Hanson said...

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Monday, October 03, 2005 11:58:00 PM  

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