Monday, February 12, 2007

Bloody Red Acres


It seems lately when I see my mom, she's usually watching TV Land. Viacom's cable channel where classic TV shows get new life. And I love TV Land, they play Night Court and a few others I love from when I was a kid and watched TV with my parents. One of the shows my mom watches when I happen to come into the living room is Green Acres, starring Eddie Albert as Oliver Wendell Douglas, a city lawyer who aspires to be a simple farmer and his Hungarian immigrant wife Lisa played by Eva Gabor. The premise, Oliver wants to leave behind his law practice in New York City and move to the country with his wife and become a farmer. So he buys a farm and they move to a small town called Hooterville, and meet a very wide array of characters. Some of which, if they lived in the real world, would be either thrown in jail, or simply killed for the simple mercy that they are too stupid to live! But then we would have no premise to make us laugh at Oliver's dealings with these people. So I got to thinking one day as I watch poor Oliver try and navigate one of his comedic situations with one of these odd people that populate Hooterville. "What would I do if I was in Oliver's place?" I thought to myself. Well, here is what I would do...

Eb Dawson: Douglas Farm Hand
This Guy seems to do nothing all day! I have watched a ton of episodes and he seems to disappear when work needs to be done and show up when he needs money. Seems to me the dude is lazy.
What would I do?: Fire his ass! Let Unemployment fix his ass!


Hank Kimball: Dept. of Ag Rep at State Uni
This guy can't keep a thought longer then 2 seconds. He forgets everything and then goes off on tangents! How did he get his job? He had to have paid someone off. That or he's a genius biding his time till he can throw a coup' and take over!
What would I do?: Kill him! He's a threat to National Security!


Ralf & Alf Monroe: Handymen
These two are siblings, yet one seems to have gender identity issues. This in itself is fine, but the fact that they can't hammer a nail between the two of them tells me that they probably are not bonded contractors. And a terminal case of stupidity seems to run in the family.
What would I do?: Tell them it's adult swim in the gene pool and it's time to get out!

Sam Drucker: General Store Owner
Mr. Drucker seems to be, besides Oliver, the only sane one in the whole damn town! But since he's been there so long, he simply ignores or is immune to everyones stupidity.
What would I do?: Take genetic samples and save them. His stem cells could be used to enhance future generations and protect them from stupidity.

Fred Ziffel: Neighbor
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he does seem to have an affinity for animals. Perhaps too much.
What would I do?: Separate him from the rest of herd to cause no further contamination.


Arnold Ziffel: Fred's son
Ok... His son is a pig? Isn't what he did to get his son illegal in most states?
What would I do?: IT'S BACON!!!!




Doris Ziffel: Fred's Wife
Um.. So she's Arnold's mom? Ok.. my head hurts..
What would I do?: Zoological experiments. She's a Hybrid! She's gotta be!



Mr. Haney: Entrepreneur/Con-man
This guy is slick smooth and shrew when it comes to making a buck. He's bilked Oliver out of so much money over the years, it's almost staggering!
What would I do?: This is a toss up. Either be his lawyer and help him make millions in his schemes and charge him a 50% commision, or hide his body in the river and sue his estate for fraud!

Overall, I think that the entire town except for Sam Drucker is a penal colony of idiots, cut off from the rest of the world to save us from them infecting the gene pool. I could be wrong, but you gotta admit. Who in the hell would wanna breed with the likes of these people? I mean come on! Eb? You know he's never been laid! So are we really safe? Only time and Darwin will tell!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

You Might Be In Radio If...

  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you have 37 unlabeled 15 minute cassettes in your back seat.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you listen to the radio "invertedly", turning up the volume during promos, sweepers, and talksets, and flipping to another station during music.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you swear at the competition while driving when you hear a song they beat you to.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you've ever heard of a "cart".
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you tell someone you plan to go to lunch "coming up next hour".
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you have 125 unopened CDs you'll never listen to but never more than $3 cash.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you use phrases like "If I was programming the music, I would NEVER/ALWAYS/etc..."
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you remember what "When you play it, say it!" means.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you drive a $500.00 piece of crap while the sales weasels have $50,000 Lexus.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you get a memo about how to report overtime and you wonder which overtime is overtime.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......two days off in a row is considered a "long weekend."
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you can recite the five-day forecast from memory.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you work on holidays.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you have dozens of tapes of radio stations that play music you don't like.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you listen to a station that's barely coming in.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......your maps are covered with circles and dots.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you are a "seasoned pro" after two years in the business.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you have a dozen radios, but you need them all.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you have copies of both the album version and radio edit.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you have recurring nightmares about bad airshifts filled with dead air.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF......you interview the governor and drive off in a junker.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO.....At Christmas dinner, you backsell the Christmas presents, explaining that "Unopened ones around the corner, stick around".
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF....when the hotline rings you break into a cold sweat.
  • YOU MIGHT BR IN RADIO IF....your production/remote load exceeds your airshift and your friends ARE NOT in radio when they say you "have it made" working 4 hours just playing music.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF....you begin to like the music you are playing even though you have been faking it for years.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you can run to the can, drop a load answer a few phones and make it back for the last 15 seconds of a 4 min. song.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you keep telling yourself "this chick on the phone really might be hot...this could be the one".
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF.... every time you screw up the Program Director is listening and calls in to tell you how bad you are and he misses the 4 hours of dead air your idiot co-worker had.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you're called 10 minutes before a shift starts and told you have to work it and you live 20 minutes away.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF..... you can recite all the spots in a break.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF..... the one time you need the power generator is the one day the electrician didnt have time to hook it up.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you have ever had to call a supervisor more then once on the same day at 3 A.M.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...your chief engineer has ever had to talk you through how to fix a transmitter from over a cell phone.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... the equipment at your station decides to stop working properly and just go to hell on a holiday weekend when no one can be reached.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF....you recite I.D's and sweepers from different stations just to annoy your friends.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF....when your at home and you answer the phone and give the stations call letters.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you answer the phone and tell someone their caller #6
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF....you do an air shift in your dreams.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...on a holiday weekend, you're the only one at the station.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF... you talk about how much better your competition's webcast sounds over your stations actual broadcast.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you are on the air every holiday.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF....you talk to friends in a "radio voice"
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you can hit the post on any ramp in your playlist, but can only sing the hooks from songs that are in your music promos.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you are well into your thirties and have been hit on by a 13-year-old girl on the request line.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you hate everyone's favorite song because it doesn't have an intro.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you actually own white cassette tapes.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you don't know whether to introduce yourself at parties...with your air-name or your real name.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...two months ago when you worked at the car wash you could jog a mile without being out of breath and now it is tough for you to get from your car to the LazEboy.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you make your friends listen to airchecks and they have no idea what you are talking about.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you refer to nighttime as "the weekend"
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO.....if you hear your competition using catch phrases and you pull over to the side of the road screaming, "Thats mine Damnit!" - while your kids look at you as if you've finally snapped.
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO.....iF you tell your wife/girl/boyfriend, "Coming up next hour we'll be hearing from the inlaws, plus we have a new dinner today you're going to really like..."
  • YOU MIGHT BE IN RADIO IF...you have found that 7-inch reels of tape DO decay over time when stored in the garage.