Monday, February 12, 2007

Bloody Red Acres

It seems lately when I see my mom, she's usually watching TV Land. Viacom's cable channel where classic TV shows get new life. And I love TV Land, they play Night Court and a few others I love from when I was a kid and watched TV with my parents. One of the shows my mom watches when I happen to come into the living room is Green Acres, starring Eddie Albert as Oliver Wendell Douglas, a city lawyer who aspires to be a simple farmer and his Hungarian immigrant wife Lisa played by Eva Gabor. The premise, Oliver wants to leave behind his law practice in New York City and move to the country with his wife and become a farmer. So he buys a farm and they move to a small town called Hooterville, and meet a very wide array of characters. Some of which, if they lived in the real world, would be either thrown in jail, or simply killed for the simple mercy that they are too stupid to live! But then we would have no premise to make us laugh at Oliver's dealings with these people. So I got to thinking one day as I watch poor Oliver try and navigate one of his comedic situations with one of these odd people that populate Hooterville. "What would I do if I was in Oliver's place?" I thought to myself. Well, here is what I would do...

Eb Dawson: Douglas Farm Hand
This Guy seems to do nothing all day! I have watched a ton of episodes and he seems to disappear when work needs to be done and show up when he needs money. Seems to me the dude is lazy.
What would I do?: Fire his ass! Let Unemployment fix his ass!

Hank Kimball: Dept. of Ag Rep at State Uni
This guy can't keep a thought longer then 2 seconds. He forgets everything and then goes off on tangents! How did he get his job? He had to have paid someone off. That or he's a genius biding his time till he can throw a coup' and take over!
What would I do?: Kill him! He's a threat to National Security!

Ralf & Alf Monroe: Handymen
These two are siblings, yet one seems to have gender identity issues. This in itself is fine, but the fact that they can't hammer a nail between the two of them tells me that they probably are not bonded contractors. And a terminal case of stupidity seems to run in the family.
What would I do?: Tell them it's adult swim in the gene pool and it's time to get out!

Sam Drucker: General Store Owner
Mr. Drucker seems to be, besides Oliver, the only sane one in the whole damn town! But since he's been there so long, he simply ignores or is immune to everyones stupidity.
What would I do?: Take genetic samples and save them. His stem cells could be used to enhance future generations and protect them from stupidity.

Fred Ziffel: Neighbor
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he does seem to have an affinity for animals. Perhaps too much.
What would I do?: Separate him from the rest of herd to cause no further contamination.

Arnold Ziffel: Fred's son
Ok... His son is a pig? Isn't what he did to get his son illegal in most states?
What would I do?: IT'S BACON!!!!

Doris Ziffel: Fred's Wife
Um.. So she's Arnold's mom? Ok.. my head hurts..
What would I do?: Zoological experiments. She's a Hybrid! She's gotta be!

Mr. Haney: Entrepreneur/Con-man
This guy is slick smooth and shrew when it comes to making a buck. He's bilked Oliver out of so much money over the years, it's almost staggering!
What would I do?: This is a toss up. Either be his lawyer and help him make millions in his schemes and charge him a 50% commision, or hide his body in the river and sue his estate for fraud!

Overall, I think that the entire town except for Sam Drucker is a penal colony of idiots, cut off from the rest of the world to save us from them infecting the gene pool. I could be wrong, but you gotta admit. Who in the hell would wanna breed with the likes of these people? I mean come on! Eb? You know he's never been laid! So are we really safe? Only time and Darwin will tell!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed my stupid ass off at this. I watch "bloody red acres" all the time. Spot on. Great minds think... read me thing on Heroes.

Monday, February 26, 2007 1:49:00 PM  

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